I hate all girls vehemently.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
