I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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