You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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