Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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