True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
