So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
