Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
