Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
