I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
