brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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