I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
