In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
