It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
