Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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