so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
