Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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