Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
