Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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