Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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