He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
