Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
