we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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