i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
