I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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