Your dad touched me again.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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