If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
