I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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