I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize