Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dear god my vagina.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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