she looked like the before picture.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
