Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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