she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
