We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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