This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
