while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
