I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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