So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
