oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
