i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
