Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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