The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
