we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
