There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
