I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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