it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He passed out mid-signature
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
