I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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