are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
