my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
