Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
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wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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