You made me cry and you don't even care
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
