I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
