one two three fourrrrnication!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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