After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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