I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
