My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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